Technically, she was the first girl who ever told me she liked me. About two years ago, my world turned upside down when a close friend of mine asked me on a date. We had grown pretty close, but up until then I had trouble believing that I could be loved. I’ve struggled so much with my appearance in this life. It’s been one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I’ve had to come to terms with. I never expected to grow up and bear this mangled face. I thought I’d look like my parents and everything would be fine and well. But here I am. I still remember getting that phone call after class one day. She seemed nervous, made a small joke and I laughed. Then she asked me if I wanted to go on a date, and I rejected her because my convictions were (and are) that I should only date Christians. I rode that high for a long time. A girl liked me! And not just liked me, she wanted to be my girlfriend!? A few months later my best friend asked her out and they dated for some time. After they broke up the three of us remained friends.
This past week was our last one together. We just graduated, so we’re all headed in different directions now. I’m staying in Boston and the others are going their separate ways as well. It was a bad week. Not because I was so sad to let them go, but because my self esteem just got run into the ground over and over and over again. We took a lot of pictures together, and I looked horrible in them. Two people, when they were taking pictures with us, said my expression was funny in the pictures. Another girl asked if my face is “always like that.” My best friend mentioned how I’m only strong in my pecs and shoulders and everywhere else I’m skinny, and that I’m getting weaker everyday. He also said he felt closer to another dude than to me, so much for best friends. And, last but not least, the girl who asked me out a couple of years ago pointed to a kid and said “he looks like you.” The only similarities between the kid and I were that we both have hideous noses and overbites. I died inside in that moment. I went to the bathroom and just stared in shock.
Why did you make me like this God? Why have you torn so much from my hands? I thought I was getting over my insecurities. I’m so, so tired of all of this. I don’t want this life, I don’t God. Forgive me. Everything you’ve taken away you can give, and everything you’ve given you can take away. Blessed be the name of Jesus.
I played beach volleyball today for a good hour and a half. There were a bunch of other people there. Unlike last time I actually played pretty well, got a lot of good hits and missed very few of my serves. Towards the end some dude asked me if I play volleyball. Turns out he’s the president of the volleyball club, and he wanted me to join them for their official practice. Too good to be true, of course. Another guy in the club (who had seen me play another day) convinced him that I wasn’t good enough to join them. So… there I am. Almost good enough. I’m almost good enough at school too. Almost good at my social interactions, though I hate to admit some people (girls) probably see me as creepy. Even when I’m just saying hi I feel. Maybe I’m wrong. But yeah, it would be cool to be great at something, but everything it seems is just beyond my reach.
I have great friends, I do, but even in those I feel like I need to constantly perform. One of my friends looks down on me, maybe because I’m uglier than him, or my grades are worse, or I’m not as articulate, who really knows right? Another of my closest friends is a girl. The friendship is platonic, but it’s so darn noticeable when she has a high opinion of me. Sometimes she’ll see me getting along with other people, taking leadership positions, etc. And sometimes she’ll hear other people say good things about me, and those times she acts differently around me, almost like she’s trying to win my approval. And then there’s all the other times, when I wonder if she even wants me in her life. Friendships am I right? They’re supposed to be the good things in life; friendship is where we’re supposed to stop weighing pros and cons and just embrace people in all their messiness. But even in friendship I’m left trying to impress people, trying to prove I’m worthy to be their friend. Almost good enough. Almost. 😦
How am I doing? I wish someone would ask that. My roommates are too busy. They have a life of their own. Half the people I know I’m still trying to impress. But if you’re reading this, if you happen to care even a bit, right now I’m sitting at about a 2/10. This day has been very dark. I woke up and realized right now I have a C in one of my classes. Who wants to end college like that? It’s not an anomaly either. I’ve been on a downward slope for at least a year. I can’t do anything anymore I am so, so weak. Anything that requires me to think makes me anxious. My performance is ridiculously low. And on top of that, I’m still alone, while guys younger than me are bringing their girlfriends to church. I’m still ugly. I’m still the least of my friends – my roommate asked me not to come to a party because I wouldn’t fit in with the cool kids he was inviting. I have so little. So yeah, tomorrow I have six hours of classes, and another hour of talking about my C with my teacher. I’m so exhausted (and getting sick) and disappointed with myself.
Anyways. Why would you care?
I wrote this earlier today:
God I just want to end my life. Done with this already! I’m lower than I ever thought. Should I self harm? Does that work for anxiety or just depression? I’m so low God! I’m so weak, I have no self-control. I don’t want to pause life. When has rest done me any good? Every time I rest I pay for it. Why did I come to this school? I should have let my dreams die earlier. I want to beat someone up or get beat up. I can’t face reality, let alone tomorrow. If I’m in fight or flight mode, I’ve chosen flight but have nowhere to fly to. I can’t escape this situation – I’m cornered. But I don’t want to fight. I can’t face my fears.
(full disclosure: I am not suicidal nor do I self harm).
Hey y’all. Trying to share a bit of my life with you. Peace.
It’s funny how after just a few days of rest I can move from depressed and despondent to the top of my game. I’ve been pretty social over the past few days. Yesterday I got dinner with Marchelle. It was a group dinner, but we spent the whole time talking together, probably because I’m the only one of the group she knows. Still, it was a lot of fun, and she laughed at all my jokes. I wonder if it’s worth asking her out, given that she’ll be in Boston too after she graduates. I have my reservations, but I’m still thinking about it.
I started thinking today that the only two girls that have shown any interest in me (more than an acquaintance at least) in the past few months have seen me at my best. My face is rather ugly, but I’ve gotten a lot of attention because of my progress at the gym. I don’t want to be boastful or fake humble, so I’ll just state the facts. I am 60-70th percentile for most upper body exercises (for guys my age and weight). I’m also really vascular, so I look bigger than I actually am. Last year I got so many compliments for this I felt like I was in an alternate universe haha! But as I was saying, the only two girls who’ve possibly shown interest in me over the past few months have seen me at my best, meaning they’ve seen me either shirtless or at the gym. Marchelle has seen me at the gym, with (obviously) a pump. Lany (who I had to friendzone because she’s not Christian) saw me freezing my butt off at a pool, shirtless. So yeah, I guess I’m glad I look good shirtless, but nobody wants to have an ugly face. If my body is attractive but my face isn’t, won’t I only attract “shallow” girls? There’s a lot more to it than that, but it’s been a struggle for me. I’ve struggled with my appearance for so, so long. Literally the past 8 years. I was just thinking about this today, and it’s quite a sobering thought. At one point I spent 6 months without looking at my face in the mirror to avoid the erratic fluctuations in mood that it would cause. I’ve been insecure about more than just my face, but that’s the majority of it. I wish I was more attractive. I wish I could overcome these insecurities.
Alas, things are as they are, and I’m not hopeless. I’ve grown a lot over the past few years, and I’ll find a life partner one day. It’s just sobering to look back on these past four years, as I’m about to graduate, and think of all the ways I’ve stagnated. But I trust that God has taught me a lot too. My faith is a whole other issue haha. Recently I’ve been having more faith and more doubt simultaneously. Maybe I should make a post about that.
God I am a failure. I’ve come to the end of things and I have failed. My grades are the lowest of all my friends. I got a sub par job. How is this real God? I’ve actually failed, maybe more than I ever have outside of sin. God I’ve failed. Please hold me. And not just that. I’ve lost at everything. Did I grow in my faith? Grow is an interesting word for it. Gone are my hopes of evangelizing. Gone are my hopes of having my faith sorted out in these four years. Gone, oh God. Even my body, I’d thought I’d won there. But I’ve stagnated, and my ugliness has returned. What have I God? Maybe, finally, I am empty. Maybe I have a ways to go. Will my degree be taken from me? That’s certainly precarious now. My friends? I can’t even imagine that, but I suppose they won’t last anyway. How long is this going to last God? Will you continue to strip me of everything until I despair of life? For many years to come? Where is the light? Oh God please not my family.
I can’t even be honest with myself anymore. Pinocchio face. Why have you made it so confusing God? Does it have to be this way? And how can I be angry at the one who carries me? How can I be angry with the only one who makes me not alone. What is abuse…? I’m still here.
Someone is whispering in my ear ‘just curse him Job.’ If this is spiritual warfare I need you God. And if this is just an illusion then, dear God, can you blame me for my hatred?…
If I praise you in the doubt am I just deceiving myself? Blessed be the name of the Lord. Cursed be the voices in my head. Blessed be the name of the Lord, for he lives!!!
Where is the meaning in life? I’m about to graduate college soon, and all the friendships I’ve enjoyed over the past four years are about to disperse. Most will die. Nothing will be the same. And meanwhile I’m starting to wonder if I’ve made any difference in people’s lives? Have I just been a yes-man to my closest friends? Have I inspired the underclassmen? What’s it all worth? I don’t want to believe that I wasted time, these precious unrepeatable college years. And I’m looking forward too. The job offer I just got ticks the right boxes. Good location, decent salary, etc. But I don’t want to waste away my life behind a screen doing meaningless work! Where is the life God? Where are the answers? I’m so lost. College, it seems, is where you come to unlearn everything you thought you knew. Everything has changed God, please remain the same for me. Please let Jesus be enough for me. I don’t want to drift through adulthood, always anxious and unsure of what to do next. I want to be gripped by purpose. I want to lead. I want to really live God. Such a childish request, but I’d rather be a child than an adult right now.
I was going through my Spotify and I came across Joseph Solomon. I’m not sure why, but I looked him up and found out that he renounced his faith a few months ago. I’m not sure how to describe how that makes me feel. I was never really into his music, and I probably only watched a couple of his videos, but he seemed like a real one. He had videos where he was honest about his faith, and his struggle to glorify God as a mini-celebrity. And now he gave up. Am I next? I found myself looking Montell Fish up next, who makes a lot of the same kinds of videos as Solomon and is also super honest about his faith, or at least he used to be. I wanted some kind of reaction to Solomon’s apostasy. Nothing. I couldn’t even find anything Christian in the past 6 months. Who am I supposed to trust? I just want someone to say “hey, I still believe.” People change. It’s just what you’d expect if all we are is flesh and bone. Who are we but the sum of our thoughts and physicality in one moment? Nothing it seems. One day we might be fully convinced of God’s love for us and the next day more shaped by our success, or the politics of our friends. Who am I? It seems like the question should be ‘who am I now’?
I love you Lord! And maybe I’m just saying that because of the music I’m listening to. And maybe when the music fades I will doubt, and next year I’ll see you differently. But if you care, God, let some portion of my faith remain. In Jesus’ name, amen.